The future looks lonely
My poor little son, Adam, caught a virus which resulted in him spiking a fever of about 103F at about 2am Friday morning. Since he was sleeping with me, his extreme body temperature woke both him and myself.He's been "sick" (ear infections, chicken pox, whatever) before, but nothing like this, where he was actually shaking with fever. He flat out refused to take the medicine I had on hand. Since I'd had less than than two hours of sleep and was a tad disoriented, I decided the best course of action was to drive to the closest all-night pharmacy in search of medicine he'd take - even if it had to be a suppository. (Yes, I know, lukewarm tub, therein to dunk sick child, but it always seems to really traumatize them. Anyway, it all worked out.)
Luckily, the ride cheered him up a bit. I even managed to find an acceptable remedy - chewable children's Tylenol (well, they're actually designed to dissolve), which he readily munched after I had him strapped back into his car seat. (See? Turned out fine.)
None of that was really my point, which is that he spent quite a lot of time sleeping with me over the weekend, mostly because he was sick. It was on Saturday night, however, that I had a disturbing revelation...just as I was on the verge of falling asleep...which ended up keeping me awake for another hour.
Adam is extremely cuddly and affectionate. My two older children have their moments where they at least communicate, and I'll even get hugs before bedtime. My younger daughter still climbs up on my lap whenever it's available and she's not otherwise occupied. But Adam...he'll come swarming up on me out of the blue, briefly abandoning what appears to be a totally engaging activity, just to give me a big squeeze before he returns to whatever it was he was doing. So my thought was, "What happens when he doesn't do that anymore? Who's gonna hug me then?"
After Adam was born during a C-section (for which I lobbied extensively, due to the arduous birth experiences I had with the other three, all of whom were overdue and had to be induced), I was also immediately "fixed" - tubes tied, factory closed, done done done. I never regretted it, and still don't - after all, four kids is PLENTY. Especially when considering the rather dilapidated and decaying state of my marriage, which I do all the damn time. But I did have a brief, middle-of-the-night, panic attack at the thought of a life without little arms squeezing my neck, without a small body planted firmly on my knees, of having yet another child who treats me as if I wasn't the one who made life safe and good when they were still young enough to be impressed with me.
I guess I'll just have to enjoy the time I have left...and wait for grandchildren.
posted by PratchettFan @ 7:45 PM
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