Where's a doctor when you need one?
Ever think you have managed to find a new medical condition that has yet to be officially recognized by anybody with a doctorate? Even if you're not a hypochondriac, I bet you've had a couple. I've started to name the ones I've noticed.C.S.D.S. - "Congenital Snoring and Drooling Syndrome" - luckily, this one only occurs when I'm sleeping. However, each member of my family is happy to point out that I've been doing it whenever I fall asleep while they're still awake. The stigma mostly prevents mid-day napping.
P.M.I.N. - Not "pre-menstrual" anything - this one stands for "Psychosomatic Meeting-Induced Narcolepsy". Lately I've been attending a lot more meetings than has been the case at any other time in my career. If these meetings extend beyond an hour, I'm guaranteed to start to nod off, especially if the content being discussed is less than interesting. Since I also have C.S.D.S., the potential for embarrassment around the office is high.
P.O.M.F. - Can't take the credit for HAVING this one, just noticing it. It's a phenomenon around my house, but I'm sure it extends beyond our home as well. Any male (choice of three, sometimes four) in the family who happen to have the occasional eruption of gas find it to be either a) funny, b) an achievement, or, sadly, c) both. It's excusable in my 2-year-old son Adam, who learned to say "poopie fart" soon after "Mama", and possibly even in my 13-year-old son, who has some room for refinement in his sense of humor. However, my husband takes it to a new level - if he's sitting down, he'll shift so that the gas can escape as loudly and noticeably as possible - and just in case there's anybody around who may not have heard it, he'll make some announcement, even if it's just "Wooo! Pewies!" to Adam, who invariably giggles and shouts "Poopie fart!" in tones one might use after finding out they'd just won the Lotto. So I'll just say that "P.O.M.F." stands for "Proud of my Farts", and leave it at that.
F.D.A.G. - The converse to "P.M.O.F" - girls don't have the love of bodily sound effects that men do. If totally unable to control it (a rare condition for anybody with estrogen), we will usually attempt to either apologize and excuse ourselves, or pretend it was the guy next to us who let one go. Females just Don't Appreciate Gas.
These conditions, and others like them, deserve recognition, so that a search for a cure can follow. I'll keep my eye out for more...at least until my burgeoning T.B.T.N. ("Too Busy to Notice") erupts into a full-blown case of such significantly reduced vision that I don't spot any details less severe than somebody actually being on fire.
Let me know about any others you may have experienced - there may be a reward associated with finding new diseases for the medical community to research!
posted by PratchettFan @ 7:47 AM
3 Comments:
P.W.E.F. - Post-Waxing Eyebrow Flareup...making me look, for several hours after a waxing, like I tried to apply red lipstick while driving over a large bump in the road...twice...and causing the wax-administering beautician to apologize alarmedly. The condition leaves me bound to the house for the rest of a waxing-day afternoon while the brow skin "cools off." Great post!
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I wonder how I am going to stay awake. Then I reach into the fridge for a cold Doubleshot, crack that thing and savor it. Within minutes, I have entered what is known as Doubleshot Induced Temporary Euphoria.
G.B.F.C. - Grocery Bag Finger Cramp, which is directly caused by R.M.T.T. - Refusal to Make Two Trips, and characterized by bent, purple and ridged fingertips on both hands. Accompanied by shooting back and shoulder pain in the days following an episode.
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