WannaBeGythaOgg

Off the parenting cliff

I only THOUGHT I had perils over the weekend. How much one can learn in the space of 48 hours.

I have a strained relationship with my older daughter, with memories of the same type of relationship with my own mother. I can remember far more times when she seemed unhappy with me than was the reverse. Samantha often accuses me of speaking in a "mean" way to her...for instance, when I went outside to find her so I could call her in for dinner, her immediate reaction was to say, in whiny tones, "I'm not HUNNNNNgry!", and then, when I repeated that she should come in, to begin to raise her voice, which had already developed a distinct tone. This was an apparent reaction to her father "embarrassing" her. I know how that feels, too - he embarrasses ME all the time, although I also understand that she meant it in a different way than I usually do. However, I don't think I should need to apologetically ask her to deign to come to dinner with the rest of her family.

There's a big disparity between what she THINKS I'm after and what I really want. Part of it is her absolute inability to actually listen to the words I'm saying - she's preparing her defense (or offense) while I'm speaking, so she doesn't hear me. Then she launches an attack, and I'm forced to try to deflect it, and before you know it, I'm ordering her inside, or to her room, or whatever. I just plain don't know how to resolve this. How can you explain to somebody that the person they THINK they're interacting with is totally different from the way you see your own self?

My own mother died when I was sixteen, so we never had a chance to fix any of our relationship issues. Also, she's not around now to offer helpful advice, which I REALLY NEED...as I'm writing this, I'm wishing I could just run away from this whole gig and find a new life, preferably as a beach bum somewhere warm but not TOO hot. But my real plan is to get a joint therapy session going for me & Sam. Hopefully, they'll be able to impart some useful techniques that I can also use to relate to Catherine.

Poor Catherine - she spent most of this afternoon sitting fully clothed in the bathtub, which was empty, just because she wanted to avoid both her father and her sister. Her dad is a yeller (as in one who yells constantly, unavoidably, unstoppably, and usually with absolutely no attempt to try to resolve a situation more quietly). Her sister really only gets along with Adam, the youngest of my kids, and sure enough was starting in on Catherine before they had been in a room together for a minute. I'm not exaggerating. Unfortunately, Catherine later displayed the same situational deafness that her sister has honed to perfection, and I had to postpone the brownie-baking activity we had planned. This resulted in Catherine screaming at the top of her lungs, totally freaking out her younger brother, who began wailing along with her.

I feel sometimes like I must be the worst mother in the world. I have a full-time job to support the entire family (my husband's "job" consists of sitting in the local bar, ostensibly "bouncing", but he is only paid in trade for this pseudo-work). At the end of my work day, I come home to Mark complaining about something - doesn't matter what, it's all the same drivel - and the kids acting up in response. He's great at pointing out things that need to be done - only by ME, of course, never mind that he's home all day while I'm working, and that my after-work jobs include food shopping, bathing the younger kids, doing laundry, washing dishes, vacuuming, etc.

This whole thing is a vicious cycle that I know HOW to break, at least in theory - just can't figure all the angles. I have no local family to turn to for support, and can't really afford fulltime daycare or a nanny for four kids, especially with the older three out of school for the summer. I fantasize about winning big money just so I could afford to stay at home full time, finance my divorce, and focus on being a better mother. (My older son, having come across me in tears while re-reading this whole vent, was sympathetic and consoling. Maybe I'm doing SOMETHING right.)

I'm just gonna need to figure out how to fix all of this without the benefit of the Lotto, somehow - after all, lots of people do.

Wish me luck.

posted by PratchettFan @ 8:16 PM